Sep 21, 2021
Today Sean and I wanted to share an update as far as where we are, mentally and emotionally as it pertains to our journey out of Mormonism.
This past year has been quite the whirlwind. I turned 40 and for some reason, along with that came a whole host of internal issues that came up for me. I was struggling with finding a purpose and positive outlook in life. I was confused and overwhelmed by my own lack of beliefs, and unanswered questions. There were so many things swirling around inside of me and I couldn’t make sense of any of it. Felt like absolute chaos.
At the same time I was becoming more tolerant of the Mormon beliefs. I didn’t feel as much anger and resentment around it all. Sean and I both stopped focusing on it and decided that we were done being “post Mormons”. We wanted to just be US. So me made a conscious decision to put our energy elsewhere. In that sense things felt great but on the other hand I was plagued by lack of understanding how the world works, what is my PURPOSE!
I was so worried of being deceived or brain washed by information that I became far too skeptical of Everything. I began to miss having the beliefs that strangely brought peace and comfort to my days. Now looking back I find it silly to believe in many of the things that used to have such a hold on me, but I really began to miss feeling the “spirit” if you will. And don’t get me wrong, I’m very much aware that what we called the “spirit” was just elevated emotion from being inspired by something we see or read. That can happen in any moment of life, and it does’t mean that the Mormon church is true. Just means that you liked something that was said and the thought made you feel warm and cozy inside. So I feel like there was a time that I had completely closed myself off from feeling that way. My world became so black and white and I didn’t even realize that I had unintentionally blocked out all the beautiful colors in life. It’s as if I was trying to go back to my little tiny box like home, and out of fear began nailing all the doors and windows shut in order to protect myself, believing that the sun itself was a threat to me.
And it’s only been recently that I’ve allowed myself to believe in certain things again. A few things that I’ve selected are God, prayer, Jesus, and spirit guides. But I don’t believe in God, prayer, and Jesus as Mormons do and the way most religions do. I would like to even use different terminology for these things because I don’t want to associate it with any kind of religious belief. But God for me is just source energy. The part of us that is one with everyone and everything. There is the human part of us, but then there is also the “being”. And that to me is God, and each of us come from that same source. It’s like God is the ocean and we are all part of it, each of us is a drop in the ocean. We think we are separate but that’s impossible. If we are a drop in the ocean then we ARE the ocean. Then prayer is just a way to send out positive vibes of gratitude to the universe and also a way to ask the universe for answers and guidance in our lives. I want to believe that the universe responds to the requests we put out there. As I’ve allowed myself to pray again, of course it’s nothing like the Mormon prayers. I don’t get on my knees, I don’t address God or Jesus, and I simply think or say all the things I’m grateful for, then I ask for answers to questions in my heart. That has been a really cool thing for me to practice. I’ve noticed some awesome things and it really feels good to accept some of these things back into my life but in a much different way.
And as far as Jesus goes. I still think of him as an important figure in history who taught us a lot of good things through his parables, wisdom, and example. I think a lot of what religions teach about Jesus is completely misunderstood, misused, and misinterpreted.