Mar 15, 2022
Some guilt crept up in me the other day as I was remembering something. I realized I had yet to resolve this in my mind. My goal is to be extra attentive each time a past memory or thought comes into my mind and it causes a low vibe emotion. I want to gather all the pieces to the story and see if I can rewrite it.
I still hold guilt for Owen’s ear. Two reasons come to mind when I think about what may have caused his birth defect.
Let’s start with not calling it a birth defect, not that I necessarily want to pull the wool over my eyes and not recognize mistakes or consider how I could have done things differently, but what’s done is done and I can only move forward in the way I see it and describe it, I don’t want to project my mistakes onto Owen. So calling it a defect makes me feel like I’m describing him as not whole.
I will never gain with blame. I will only gain by honoring how the experience has contributed to my wakening of the dream we all find ourselves in.
It’s the nightmares that tend to wake us up. Then we SEE that the tiger chasing us is not even real. We wake up, safe in our beds, and recognize the peace around us.
But even awakening from the dream is a cycle. We go back to sleep and we dream again. So it’s not like you have an awakening and suddenly you’re awake for the rest of your life. You go to sleep again, and you dream. But there is such thing as lucid dreaming, which I believe is the goal. To allow yourself to sleep and be immersed in the dream, but you KNOW you’re dreaming, therefore you don’t get so emotionally caught up in the dream. It becomes more fun and playful.